The thing about jealousy is its power to hide blessings. Like a black thundercloud moving in, blocking the warmth and light of the good right in front of us.

And the thing about looking back and wanting what WAS is that it's jealousy in its ugliest form, not just hiding the blessing of our present but holding us back from moving forward.

Half the battle is recognizing the lies of the enemy. The other half is speaking the truth.

When Paul says to "take every thought captive," I understand what he meant. My mind is under constant assault from the enemy. Discouragement and fear are his weapons of choice. He knows that I am weakened by grief and trauma, that my mama heart is breaking; so he is relentless.

What we all have in common, whether our child is suffering with cancer or crying into their pillow over their first heartbreak, is that we want to fix it. We desperately want to stop the pain, to make it go away, to make it all better for our child.

Our children's pain becomes our own.

God didn’t choose me or allow loss to come into my life because I am special or strong. Listen when I say this, because you may walk in grief one day that feels like it may swallow you up and everything you love with it. God gives strength to those who open their hands to receive it.

We raise our children with high hopes that they will one day learn to walk, potty-train, sleep all night, read, make friends, drive a car, do their laundry, score a touchdown, win a race, go to prom, graduate, interview for a job, go to college, pursue their calling, get married, have children...But when we reach these milestones, when our role as parent ends, and our role as adviser begins, our hearts break.

I'll be the first to admit that some of my plans would have actually changed the course of my life for the worse had they succeeded. And there are dreams in my heart that seemed so perfect I still question, "why not, Lord? Why didn't you bless those plans?" (like my expectations for my children)So where does that leave us and our beautifully calendared days, bullet journals, and to-do lists? What about our goals and action plans, our vision boards and Pinterest boards? What of our hopes for our children, plans for our retirement , and our dream vacation?