Jealous No More: letting go of the past to find hope in tomorrow

I'm a woman. I know jealousy. Another woman's skin when I see my acne scars in the mirror. Another woman's house when I feel discontent with my own. Another woman's youthfulness as I watch mine fade into the past.

Jealousy entraps me, robbing my peace and my joy. Its paralyzing effects ripple through my life for all to see in my negativity and discontent.

Lately, the "other woman", the one whose life seems easier, whose face looks prettier, whose house feels happier is actually myself. The me from last year. The me from BEFORE.

Ever wanted to go back to a life you miss, a relationship you lost, a happier time? BEFORE you lost the job or the house, BEFORE the illness that ravaged your body, BEFORE the addiction that stole your child, BEFORE the divorce, BEFORE the abuse or the tragedy that hijacked your happiness?

I'm jealous of last year's me. Her life. Her marriage. Her peace. Her hope and dreams.

The thing about jealousy is its power to hide blessings. Like a black thundercloud moving in, blocking the warmth and light of the good right in front of us.

And the thing about looking back and wanting what WAS is that it's jealousy in its ugliest form, not just hiding the blessing of our present but holding us back from moving forward.

Wanting what WAS steals both our contentment and our hope.

Hanging onto hope has been my greatest challenge. How can I hope when I've lost so much? How can I hope when I'm walking through valley after valley of dark grief?

The truth, as hard as it is to face, is that she's gone. Last year's me is gone. Last year's life is gone. I am not the same and the path I'm on now is unfamiliar territory, not the journey I planned or even chose.

Another truth is at work setting me free and shining the light of hope as I push forward through the valleys. My story is still being written. It's not over. Sounds simple, but believing that God is at work, that he didn't abandon me, that he sees me and is leading me out of the valley and into new joy and blessing is powerful.

Life AFTER the storm that wrecked it, AFTER the severed relationship, AFTER the illness, AFTER the difficult move or career change, AFTER surviving the tragedy can be a powerful time of becoming.

If we surrender our BEFORE, the person we see in the mirror is set free to BECOME.

I get it. I've woken up so many mornings begging God, "I just want my life back." It was familiar and there was some security there. Yet, if I'm honesty, there was also brokenness and dysfunction. This valley of the unknown tempts me to look back and be discouraged by my loss and to cower in fear of what might lie ahead.

From one who is still in it, walking through a nightmare, I can tell you that facing forward and accepting the NOW can be like signing up with a personal trainer. I feel myself growing stronger. I see the faithfulness of God more clearly than ever. I am BECOMING.

Letting go and looking forward sets us free to grow, to dream, and to walk with God in ways we could not have otherwise.

There is a question that blocks the hope from shining into our valley, that keeps us stuck there when we could be moving forward into blessing:

Why?

Why did this happen to me? Why didn't you protect me, Lord? Why me? Why us? Why didn't our plans work out? Why didn't I get the job? Why did I have to get sick? Why couldn't I help my child get sober? Why did he leave me? Why? Why?

It's a backward question. We can't go there and if we do, we can't afford to stay long. The forward moving question, is now what? God, what do you have for me now? What do you want to teach me now? Where can I grow now? What promise do you have for me to believe now? How can I bring you glory in it all now?

Last year's me is gone. Last year's life is gone.

Surrendering my BEFORE, letting go of the past and letting God use it all to carry me into the future, believing that it is good because he is good- that is where I want to be NOW.

I am loved, accepted, worthy and secure today. God has promised to work it all together for my good and his glory. This is true for you too. He's not done writing your story. Let go and let your faith in him grow and believe that you are becoming the woman he created you to be.

No need to be jealous of the woman from BEFORE.

See, I am doing a new thing! Behold- NOW it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness, streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19

We cannot see the new thing springing up with our eyes on the past. Choose to believe today that the best is yet to come!

*Walking through grief is exactly that- walking through it. There is no shortcut. Learning to let go and accept the present only comes if we grieve our losses. A little grieving, a little looking forward. Dose by dose of each takes us forward. Sometimes only an inch at a time. This post is by no means suggesting anything resembling stuffing our pain or ignoring the past and its hurts. My previous two posts speak to grief.