Weary Warrior
Even the strongest grow tired and the greatest weaken in battle. I think of David, the shepherd boy turned warrior and king who wrote so often about his weaknesses and begged God to deliver him from his enemies.
"The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me." (Psalm 18:4-5)
He pleaded for help time after time when he faced what felt like the end of his strength, even his very life.
"Look on me and answer, LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall." (Psalm 13:3-4)
Chances are, you are like me; you've never carried a weapon prepared to kill your enemy or hidden in caves to stay alive. I have never fought in a battle as David did, but as I can relate to this man after God's own heart.
Read the Psalms and you will find a man didn't just fight off giants and armies. He battled his thoughts, his fears, and depression. Over and over, you will see David praying from the depths of despair, hiding in fear, talking to himself about his "downcast" soul and two sentences later, convincing himself that God would deliver him.
I live most days afraid to look over my shoulder because I feel a darkness threatening to envelop me and everything I hold dear. A dark cloud behind me waits for me to grow faint, to collapse under my circumstances, taunting me, seeking to devour me.
It's no use. You're not going to make it alone. There's no job for you. Your kids will never come back from this. Why did God let his happen? Your money is running out, and what if you have an emergency? You'll be alone in your house soon without anyone. It's too hard. Just quit. You've been betrayed and abandoned. It's too much.
Half the battle is recognizing the voice of the enemy. The other half is speaking truth.
When Paul says to "take every thought captive" I understand what he meant. My mind is under constant assault from the enemy. Discouragement and fear are his weapons of choice. He knows that I am weakened by grief and trauma, that my mama heart is breaking; so he is relentless.
I awaken each day, crying out to Jesus, believing that he is fighting for me. I sit in his presence writing his truth in my journal by hand, meditating on it as if it were a shield against the flaming arrows. Because it is.
Nights find me exhausted, feeling like I almost didn't make it. But I did.
Panic presents itself in my mind as I face the reality of my current circumstances and what might possibly be our future. I fight it off and refuse to let it gain any ground.
Discouragement advances against me like wave after wave of foot soldiers. I step behind my Father, taking cover I and listen for his voice assuring me that he's go this one. He speaks and the enemy retreats.
For a moment.
Weary is where I live right now, but it's not my home. This battle will not rage forever, and I don't fight it alone. Yet I fight.
I can't stop fighting. I won't stop fighting.
God has redeemed my soul and he will have victory over my circumstances. He has promised to work it all together for my good and his glory. He has not forsaken me, nor shall he ever.
All warriors grow weary. Even the greatest weaken in battle. They just don't surrender.
The earth trembled and quaked, and the foundations of the mountains shook; they trembled because he was angry. Smoke rose from his nostrils; consuming fire came from his mouth, burning coals blazed out of it. He parted the heavens and came down; dark clouds were under his feet. He mounted the cherubim and flew; he soared on the wings of the wind. He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him- the dark rain clouds of the sky. Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advances with hailstones and bolts of lightning. The LORD thundered from heaven, the voice of the Most High resounded. He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy with great bolts of lightning he routed them. The valleys of the sea were exposed and the foundations of the earth laid bare at your rebuke, LORD, at the blast of breath from your nostrils. He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. Psalm 18:7-19
I am not fighting flesh and blood. My enemy is the same as yours. Once an angel of light, he rules this present darkness. But we do not have to live in fear because he who is in us is greater than he who is in this world. His days are numbered and we have been given eternity.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2