God does not choose the strong. I am proof.
A grief so strong, I feel its weight on my chest, crushing me. Pain that’s almost palpable pulls me down to a heap on the floor. I struggle to catch my breath- the breath that left my lungs suddenly as numbing shock gave way to reality.
Life would never look the same. It couldn’t.
I hear people comment that God chooses special people, the strong ones to receive the tough assignments and heaviest burdens in life. I know that he doesn’t because…
I am proof.
It was not modesty or humility in me that cried out, “I’m not strong enough! I can’t do this God! I can’t even take the next breath. How can I get out of bed and help my children believe that we will be okay? I can’t even leave the house and face anyone.” My desperate pleas to the Father were out of complete brokenness, a brokenness that I didn’t think I could survive.
God didn’t choose me or allow loss to come into my life because I am special or strong. Listen when I say this, because you may walk in grief one day that feels like it may swallow you up and everything you love with it. God gives strength to those who open their hands to receive it.
Waking up each morning, grief was there to meet me again. Waves of disbelief and sadness washed over me and I would fold up underneath. I needed shelter and all I knew was Jesus, so I would make my way in the quiet to my place where I waited for him.
Desperate for hope and peace, I read Psalms. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18) I listened to the words of songs like “One Day” by Christa Wells…
It’s hard to sleep when you feel like you’re fighting
For your life like you are right now
There’s only so much you can stomach
Though it’s more than you thought
And you keep moving
By the grace of God
You’re doing one day
One breath
One prayer
One thing at a time
One word
One step
One hope
In a coming light
Don’t try to swallow the ocean
Keep doing one day
Til one day you’re free
I wrote anything I heard from God, any truth that I thought might sustain me for one more moment, on my bathroom mirror until it was so full I had to start over.
I wasn’t strong. I was in pieces. God doesn’t choose the bravest warriors to walk through the darkest valleys.
I am proof.
I simply wanted to live, and I knew that Jesus was life. We have a history and he has proven himself faithful to me even when I was too weak to lift my hands to praise him. Each storm and valley I had endured during my life became the stage for him to show his glory and power in my life. Every time I prayed and he came through, another rock was placed in the shelter of his love.
So in these darkest days of pain so deep it threatens to consume me, I can pound my fists against its walls, and hide in its corners and know that it is strong enough to withstand my anger, doubt, and fear.
I am learning to run to him more often, to surrender my desire to control and my pleas for my own will. Some days I am depending on him for the will to get out of bed and the strength to just be present.
If you see me out doing all the things and perhaps even smiling, please don’t be tempted to say, “she’s so strong.” I am simply being held together by the One who holds all things together. He doesn’t choose the strong, he strengthens the weak so that we see his glory and praise him instead of each other.
I am proof.
Life as I knew it doesn’t exist anymore. I ride waves of anger, sadness and disillusionment as I look around at the destruction. I fight thoughts of discouragement, fear, and hopelessness with God’s truth until I am mentally exhausted.
But I have a shelter. It is the love of my Savior who redeemed my soul and has a “plan to prosper me, not to harm me; plans to give me a hope and a future.” He is good and he does good. He is working all things together for my good and his glory. He will restore my joy and he will strengthen my frame. He can be trusted.
I am proof.
The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Isaiah 58:11