Acceptance

Sometimes life is just too much to swallow. It feels that way right now. One blow after another makes me want to retreat to my corner, find the white flag, and start waving. Round after round. I’m exhausted.

Our emotions can only handle so much before we either break down or begin to disengage, disassociate, or withdraw. It just feels like I cannot possibly feel anything else. I don’t have space in my mind to even fully consider it all. My emotions are at capacity.

A sweet friend validated this recently when she said, “you guys have been through more in the first 15 months of your marriage than some go through in 15 years.” I needed to hear that. I have beat myself up in my mind and let the enemy plant thoughts like, “you should be able to handle this. You’re falling apart.”

I want to handle it all. I want to make everything better for everyone- take their pain and their struggles and get in the ring with them and fight. But some fights are not mine to fight. I want all the right answers right now and happy endings tied up in bows. I also want to throat punch the next person who twists the Word and says to me, “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”

One thing I know is true- my relationship with my sweet husband has only gotten stronger. Confirmation that he is a gift from the Father.

Not sure what the Father is up to but I do trust him. I can’t see him working right now, but I choose to believe he is doing just that. He is singing over me, interceding on my behalf, working all of it together for my good. If he really expected me to “handle” all of this, hope would be lost.

He is my hope.

His word says that he finishes what he begins in us, that it is his power at work in us. I can rest in the fact that my Father knows exactly how weak and exhausted I am. Struggling to figure it all out and fix it all is not what he wants from me. However fierce I feel right now about one of my own children, wanting to make sure she knows she is worth the kind of love that climbs mountains and swims oceans- I know my Heavenly Father wants me to know that his love for me is perfect. He’s a good, good Father.

The only thing that is keeping me from losing it, from truly falling apart is this- I believe that God is both good and sovereign. I believe that all of it has been filtered through his hands. He allowed it. Maybe you need to sit with that for a while. The idea that He is all-powerful and yet allows pain into your life can make you want to turn your back on him if you don’t also believe he is good.

I am going against all that I’m feeling today and choosing to take him at his word. He is greater than my fear and anxiety. He is greater than the overwhelming tasks that lie ahead of me. He keeps his promises and he has promised to never leave me or forsake me, to work all of this pain together for my good. He has promised me a hope and a future.

He has allowed things into my life that I would never have chosen for myself. I am certain that his heart was breaking when mine was. I am not going to pretend to understand the mystery of his ways- did he choose the painful paths I found myself on or just allow them? I don’t know. But I trust him.

He has shown himself faithful time and time again.

I am learning to choose to accept the things he allows. By accepting it all I’m also accepting his provision because he would never allow pain into my life and withhold his presence. He would never allow sorrow into my life and withhold his comfort. He would never allow poverty into my life and withhold his provision.

If he allowed it, then I can have peace knowing that he’s in charge of it, whatever it is. He is not asking me to be. I just thought of Mary, the mother of Jesus. She was a teenager who didn’t even choose sex, much less being pregnant. Her response was one of acceptance. “May it be done to me according to your word.” (Luke 1:38) Jesus himself told the Father, “Not my will, but yours.”

It makes sense then when we hear Paul’s word in Philippians, “Do not be anxious about anything.” God is in control. He’s not dumping life in my lap and saying, “Good luck! Work hard! Don’t screw it up!” Neither is he powerless or uninvolved, looking into my life like, “Poor girl. I hope it all works out.”

This is what I do. I remind myself of truth. Paul said to take every thought captive. I don’t have the option of running away from it all. I can’t look at my life right now and say, “This is just too much. I can’t handle this right now.” I grab onto the truth of who God is- my Father and my Savior. All through scripture he has told me to not be afraid, discouraged, or terrified. He is with me, his Spirit is in me and he’s in control.

He has a plan for my sweet mama even though I have no answers today. He has healing waiting for my children even though I cannot make it all better.

Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Psalm 31:3