Lost and Found

I have not written in a long time. It has not been because life has been too busy or too hard or because I have not felt inspired or qualified. It has been an ugly combination of it all. Hard and busy, doubt and insecurity…even depression.

As a believer it feels risky typing those words, publishing my struggle for you to read. There is an unspoken expectation, a perceived pressure to navigate life’s hard days with unshakable faith, proclaiming how good God is even in the midst of the pain. Maybe it’s just me- my pride, my fear of disappointing onlookers, or even worse, disappointing God.

As much as I want to be a witness to God’s character, his unarguable goodness and faithfulness, and although I want so badly to encourage you as you fight our own battles, I am nothing if I’m not transparent. For reasons that would take chapters to truly explain, I can’t do deception, lies, and secrets. So this is my imperfect attempt to write. I’m just doing it. I have to.

Why? Because there was a time when I was absolutely sure that God told me to do this. Because I felt a passion and joy when I wrote about His truth, grace, and goodness. My heart would swell to such heights here with my fingers on the keyboard. I would sit amazed when a comment came across my blog or Facebook page telling me that I had encouraged you. For me, I was just working out what the Father was doing in me. Pure joy.

Maybe as I write this I will understand better why it’s been so long. I have found myself at favorite coffee shops over the last two years, new laptop shiny before me, worship music pumping through my Airpods, but unable to write the first word. I would leave feeling as empty and discouraged as I did when I arrived.

I read in a devotional this morning words that articulated what I could not, “Has the shadow of your situation cast a gloomy haze on how you see yourself?” I wanted to shout, “Oh my gosh, yes!” A shadow of all that happened to me, to my children, our family- it has indeed cast a gloomy haze. It’s crazy how you don’t realize the air is hazy until you get glimpses of the clear, crisp sky.

I have felt lost. That’s the best way to describe it.

In the midst of God’s provision, unexpected blessing, and a love like I’ve never experienced, I have felt lost. I’ve struggled to keep a handle on my emotions and fought off waves and days of discouragement and depression. I have felt overwhelmed by the normal expectations that come with life as a wife and mother.

Why?

Because even though I have been given an amazing second chance at love and happiness, I am still dealing with the destruction from days past. Because even though I am wrapped in the arms of someone who loves me so well, my six children are still hurting. Because my life is all new and different and there are days I miss my old porch. Because I have two new children and want to love them but don’t always feel it. Because I passed fifty and my hormones are wreaking havoc. Because I thought I had a pretty good idea of what my future looked like, who I was, who loved me, and then I woke up to a completely different reality. Because my children screw up and I think it’s because I didn’t love them or parent them well. Because some days I feel like my baggage is too much for my sweet husband and I get scared. Because the rug was yanked out from under my life and I’m not the same person. I can’t be. I can’t be the same person.

So I have felt lost.

Here’s something else. I feel guilty moving forward and feeling joy when my children are hurting. Mom guilt. I know in my head that I cannot fix this. I can’t repair the damage or rebuild broken relationships. I can’t do the forgiving, the grieving, and the letting go for them. I know that. But is it hard letting them see me really happy with another man besides their father? Yes.

I want my children to be okay. I also want them to be okay with me. I want them to be happy for me. But that might not be possible right now.

The last few years have taken a toll on me emotionally, mentally, even physically. I am realizing that I have felt a lot of guilt- I have felt guilty for being too happy in my new marriage, for still grieving the old one, for not being stronger and not writing about God’s goodness, for remembering good times in my first marriage but not wanting good things for my children’s father, but it is what it is. What if I’ve done the best I could? I can’t seem to find an instruction book for this. Honestly, I don’t know how we survived some of it. We are still trying to survive it.

Is it even really guilt? I have known guilt to be from God- leading to repentance and freedom. This is different. It’s condemnation that leads to shame; it lives in the shadows in my mind and does not lead to life. I am learning that it prevents me from fully receiving and experiencing the joy right in front of me.

So here I am, married to someone who loves me like I need and desire to be loved. He likes me and wants to spend his life hanging out with me! Every day we shake our heads in disbelief- amazed by how happy we are together. I pray our children see that and find comfort in that one day. I hope they see that God saw into our future and had a plan for each of us. One day I will write our story. Get ready.

I think I’m finding myself again. I feel myself shaking off the dust from the rubble, trusting God with my children’s pain and healing, stepping out of the haze and into the clear blue of God’s love for me. The passion I had writing about the truth of God’s love is there. It’s a flame that just needs fanning.

I do believe that God is good. His love for me is absolutely perfect. I believe that his purpose for me and the gifts he wove into me when he formed me remain the same. But I am not the same person I was. I am stronger, more hopeful, and learning that being loved is what God desires for me.

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. James 5:16