He Doesn't Deserve My Respect!

We have this obsession with an old TV show. We have had withdrawal for months after a  fight with the cable company. My hot pastor showed them who's boss by cancelling our cable. No more favorite show. When some friends found out that we were missing our comic relief that we enjoyed so much every night, they said ,"Oh, we have the complete series on DVD! Wanna borrow it?" Score!!!!

You may not like it. We don't care because we love "Everybody Loves Raymond"! All the annoying things of life  are exaggerated in the characters and relationships in this sitcom to the point of hilarity. Every character is super flawed and reminds us of ourselves.

The wife, Deborah, like most wives, wants her husband to get his act together. Watching last night made me realize that I wasn't too far off from her nagging and fixing until the last year or so. In fact, I still hear God's quiet voice reminding me to accept and respect hot pastor. It's the role of the Holy Spirit to refine, correct, and discipline. Poor Raymond can never really do enough for her. It's always funny on the show,but not so much in a real marriage.

Painful as it is, I can remember hearing my husband tell me that he felt like he wasn't good enough for me. I made him feel that way with my complaining and correcting. My disappointed looks and silent treatments pushed him away, which is the opposite of what my heart really wanted. I had a list in my mind of what I needed from hot pastor, things he needed to do better, things he should stop doing...

Husbands and wives, men and women have certain needs that are part of our design and identity. It's a beautiful picture when God uses us to meet those needs in one another. Men long for respect. Women desire love. In fact, a really smart guy wrote a book called Love and Respect. He nails the problem. In marriage we can quickly get on "the crazy cycle." I don't give respect because I don't feel loved. He doesn't feel respected, so he doesn't love. Crazy!!! It doesn't end unless someone decides to give.

It is not about what is deserved. That's where we step onto the crazy cycle. I don't know about you, but I am so thankful that Jesus did not give me what I deserve. When I give respect to my husband, it fills a need in him, and then he is able to love much more easily. I can get all "Well, I'm not giving him respect until he treats me better and deserves it!" OR I can choose to respect him out of the love that Christ has for me. Only one of those choices has a chance of ending the cycle.

Yes, it's hard. Sure, hot pastor can drive me crazy. He messes up daily. So. Do. I. (that realization changed everything)  My deepest needs can only be met by God. My desire for love from my husband is real. So is his need for respect. It's not about what we deserve. Thank God. Besides, fixing your husband is exhausting. I know.

1. 1 Peter 3:1
   [ Godly Living ] In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives,

   Philippians 2:4

   The Message (MSG)

   He Took on the Status of a Slave

   2 1-4 If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.