The Day I Packed My Bags

I wasn't wearing heels. Or a dress. I was a mess. Just sayin.

I was so heartbroken. The hurt ran so deep that I wanted to get as far away from it as I could. Run. Leave. Escape the pain, find a way to stop the tears. The disappointment had been hanging around for so long, I was just tired of it. Soon, my sadness took on a different face. It became anger, then resentment. 

A day came when I simply could not live with my disappointment any longer. I packed myself a bag. I packed a bag for my kids and told them we were going on a little trip to Nanny's house. I drove to hot pastor's office shaking with emotions. In a few angry words, I let him know I was leaving. A fellow pastor stared at us. I didn't care. 

With God's help, I did not go to Nanny's that day. Staying, listening, and forgiving was the better choice. Jesus helped me make that decision. I had no strength left of my own. My disappointments had become dangerous.

We all experience disappointments. Big and small. Am I disappointed that I can no longer watch Everybody Loves Raymond since we cancelled our cable? Yes! The shampoo that tamed my frizzy locks was discontinued. Did I want to call the company in tears? Yes. I could go on, but I'm so lame. There are times when hot pastor doesn't follow through with something, forgets something, doesn't listen to me, or does his annoying habit that drives me almost to the point of insanity! I keep hoping he will quit, yet I find myself disappointed. Again.

dis·ap·point·ed

ˌdisəˈpointid/

adjective

1. 1.

   (of a person) sad or displeased because someone or something has failed to fulfill one's hopes or expectations.

   
   

   Something I never understood about disappointment until this year is that it can be a revealing indicator of my own sin. Disappointments begin with expectations, right? We become disappointed when we do not receive what we had hoped for. Expectations are dangerous. In my life, my expectations have been so misplaced, unfair, and even impossible. So, if I have crazy expectations, then I judge hot pastor for not fulfilling them, am I being godly? No. 

   
   

   My disappointment has revealed some things to me. To be honest, I lived in disappointment most of the time. Hot pastor felt like he could never do anything right. Ouch. My expectations and hopes were in the wrong place. I sat in judgement of him and my children, and probably you. My expectations were drowning the love I had for my family, and keeping me in a pit. I judged those who failed me and continually focused on what I was not receiving, how I was being hurt. Me. Me. Me. 

   
   

   Those who love me will disappoint me. I'm cool with that now. Why? I began to place my hope in the one who doesn't disappoint. I saw how messed up I was myself. I needed forgiveness and freedom from crazy expectations. I found freedom and I am learning to free those around me. Guess what? I'm not living in the pit. Wahhooooo!!!!! 

   
   

   I made a choice to never say these words to my children or my husband, "I am disappointed in you." Why? Jesus has never said that to me. If my kids hurt me, if my husband's words are harsh, I tell them. If my children make bad choices, I instruct them. Even discipline them. I want them to be all God has created them to be.  To me, the word disappointment carries with it a sense of failure, failure to meet expectations. If I'm told that I disappointed someone, I hear that I have failed them in some way. My family is not failing me. We are all on the same journey, stumbling forward together. Thankfully, without my crazy expectations on their shoulders.

   
   

   Expectations and disappointments can be so heavy. Maybe it's time to let them go, and place our hope in Christ.

   Isaiah 40:31

   New International Version (NIV)

   31 but those who hope in the Lord
       will renew their strength.
   They will soar on wings like eagles;
       they will run and not grow weary,

       they will walk and not be faint.