Empty Nesting: 7 Keys to Moving Forward in Your Life

We raised them to fly. From the beginning, we celebrated all the firsts. They heard our cheers as they took those first wobbly steps, as they fed themselves oatmeal with a spoon, pulled that first loose tooth, and wrote their first name in big, scribbly print. We posted pictures of birthdays, proms, athletic events, and awards ceremonies. Every time they took a step forward, grew up a little more, we celebrated.

Now what? We are staring at their empty rooms with lumps in our throats.

It doesn’t matter if our child moves across town or the country, it is hard. Even if he was driving us crazy and we handed him moving boxes, asking, “Can we help?”, it can still throw us for a loop.

Are you sitting in your quiet house not sure what to do next? Out of eight, we have one left. I don’t think I can say that it gets easier, but maybe you learn a little more about yourself each time. Here are a few practical things you can do to move forward in this new season of life.

Cry it out

Yes, grab some tissues and home movies and have a big, ugly cry. You have poured your life into this person. You were (and still are) their biggest cheerleader. You have dried countless tears, kissed a thousand boo-boos, tutored them in spelling and math, lost sleep over their decisions, dreamed of all the ways their life would be better than yours was, and prayed for them more than they will ever know.

Loss is loss, and each loss should be grieved. Don’t you dare compare your loss to another’s or guilt yourself out of grieving because you have “so much to be thankful for…” (We will get to that later.) I wrote a post when my son moved away that truly helped my own heart. We really can’t move forward and experience all the joy in the next season until we do this letting go thing. Yes, we have so much to be thankful for right now, and yes, there are parents around you experiencing greater loss. I still believe every loss needs to be acknowledged, fully felt, and processed. It’s a healthy approach to life.

Hug it out

Let your young adult child know how you feel. Tell her how proud you are, how amazing and hard parenting is, and let her know that as excited as you are for her right now, you are also sad. Don’t assume she knows. You might be surprised what conversations may be birthed from your transparency. Ask her how you can pray for her in this new season of her life. She is, more than likely, experiencing some of the same emotions as you. Grab a card at Target, put your favorite photo with her inside, and share your heart. Mail it after she has had a chance to get settled. Just don’t push all those emotions aside or under her new cute rug you bought for her dorm room.

Write it down

Writing down your thoughts and feelings is a type of therapy. There is something mysteriously healing that happens when we see our hearts on paper. Don’t edit thinking someone might read it one day because this is just for you; it’s about the process. So grab a notebook or journal or Google Doc and let it happen. I cried like a baby in the middle of Panera when I wrote about my first child graduating. Write about your amazing child, your favorite memories, the greatest challenges, and the depth of your emotions as you launch her out into the world. You never know, she might just enjoy reading your POV one day. But remember, you are writing this for you- to help you move forward.

Get ready for regret

Brace yourself for a possible wave of regret. Your young adult leaves the house and panic sets in because you realize you didn’t get it all right. Mistakes were made through the years and now it’s too late to fix any of them. Did you do everything in your power to prepare her for this moment? Can she change a tire? Does she have pepper spray? Can she manage her money? Can she cook anything besides Ramen?

This is a new level of mom guilt. Be ready! Of course you made mistakes and so did your parents. Of course, you could have done it better. Yes, there are things she is not ready for in life. She will be in good company wherever she goes and so will you. And for all the serious stuff, there’s therapy. For real. We have all been shaped by our family - things that were said or unsaid, things that happened or were neglected. Counseling is a healthy choice for all of us as we try to understand how we are wired, where our weaknesses and quirks are rooted, and how we relate to other people. Maybe that should be on this list too. Go see a counselor. For you.

Just don’t get focused on what you did wrong or meant to do but didn’t. Your relationship with your young adult child isn’t over. It’s really getting good. The best days are ahead as you move from hands-on parenting to advising and coaching. For more on mom fails, read this.

Give yourself a raise

So I’m not talking about money; if you’re launching a college student you possibly just took a pay cut! Instead of focusing on the empty room in your house, think about the empty room in your schedule! Parenting may have been your greatest joy, but it also occupied the most real estate on your calendar. The landscape of your agenda is changing and even though you may feel a little lost, be open to also feeling curious and hopeful. Ask the question, “What next?” Are there relationships that you now have time to cultivate? Gifts and hobbies you could fan into flame? Is there a ministry you could champion?

We can’t use our children as excuses any longer. In the background of our lives, in the back of our minds, lie dreams and goals that we probably set aside. What about your health? Like you, I want to enter this next stage of life healthy and ready to enjoy family gatherings, possible time with grandchildren, traveling with my husband…Ponder the times in your life when you said, “Maybe one day…” Friend, one day is here. Consider how you are an example to your young adults, showing them how to live large after raising children.

Fall in love

If you are married, you guys may be looking at each other and asking, “Who are you?” That’s okay! Consider yourselves newlyweds2.0, and get busy enjoying each other! Sadly, what happens to many couples doesn’t have to happen. Maybe you and yours did become strangers, pouring your time and relational energy into your children. It’s possible that the years of parenting your kids were so challenging and stressful that you barely survived; instead of leaning into each other, you drifted apart. Don’t give up! Now is the time to get to know each other all over again. You’re not the same people you were twenty years ago, that’s true. Decide today to begin a new adventure together. Plan a date. Order the pizza the way you guys like it. Get away together. Alone. Yes, it might feel weird at first, maybe even uncomfortable. You created a beautiful family together and you managed to launch your children. You did it! Go celebrate! This, too, is an amazing example to your children.

Go with the flow

We have entered a new stage of life. It’s not ever going to be the same. We wouldn’t want it to be, right? Would we want them to stay young forever? Accepting this is huge. Welcoming the years ahead with hopeful expectancy sure beats sitting on our couch watching home movies and texting our young adults every hour wondering why they never want to come home. They need the freedom and space to make mistakes and find their way, and you need the freedom and space to continue growing and living your full life.

We raised them to fly, but our nests are not empty when they do. They are full of memories, celebrations, hope, and purpose. We will welcome them back over and over to gather and keep growing together.